The Preferences of Edward Cullen
by vivid tangerine kitsune
Summary: A crackfilled songfic oneshot. Please don't read if you're an extreme Edward fangirl. R&R, please.


_Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight, Edward would be beaten to death with my shoes. But then the fangirls would attack me. . .let's just let Stephenie Meyer deal with them. And the song is from Avenue Q, and I highly recommend the cd. I don't own that either, of course._

_Oh, this takes place WAY before Bella ever entered, so keep that in mind._

"So, is Edward out of the way?" Carlisle asked his merry group of vampires. Well, as merry as a group of blood-sucking pale kids can be.

"Yes," Alice replied. "He left about half an hour ago."

"And when will he be back?"

"How should I know?"

"Can't you look into the future and find out?" Carlisle asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh yeah!" Alice said, smapping her fingers. Carlisle lowered his head. Being an awesome vampire person didn't exactly alleviate her ditsy-ness. She closed her eyes, searching the future. She saw a duck doing the hokey pokey and a frog with a chainsaw. _That's not it._ Searching a bit more, she found what she wanted. "He'll be back in an hour or so."

"Just enough time, then," he answered. "We need to prepare."

"Carlisle, don't you think this is a bit. . ." Esme tried to find her words, "harsh?"

"Yeah," Jasper joined in, "won't he kill us or something?" Never mind that they were already dead. . .

"We have to do this, no matter how much he won't like it! Now, where's the cd player. . ."

Meanwhile, Edward was chilling inside the Waffle House. It's THE Waffle House because Forks only has one. "Geez, why did we have to move to this backwater town? Not even a decent cafe or somewhere fancy." A waitress in her forties walked over to see if he wanted more coffee. Since he had never even touched the cup he had had for the past twenty minutes (he only bought it so that they'd let him in), she walked away, defeated. Her inner voice was whining on the inside about how she desperately wanted for this sexy pale kid to like her. He smirked, his ego that much higher, and continued with his newspaper. "KID'S DOG FOUND" was today's headline--geez, how come nothing ever happened here? Once he finished, he shuffled through his wallet, put a single bill on the table, and left. The waitress came over and looked at her tip. The bill was a fifty. For ninety-nine cent coffee. Tears streaming down her cheeks, she thanked the heavens for this gift and ran off towards the sunset. Even though it was noon, and it was too rainy to see the sun.

Getting home in about 10 seconds, he was surprised that he couldn't see any of his family. He couldn't even hear them. Did they go hunting without him? The door was open, so he slipped into the dark house. Turning on the light, he saw Carlisle standing there, waiting for him. "Hey," he said.

"Hello Edward," he replied. Edward didn't like the anxiousness in his voice. He read his mind to see what was going on_: Can't. . .think about it. Um, okay, monkeys. . .zodiac. . .fruits basket. . .fruits--darn it_! "Edward, ever since you've been here, you've always been a bit. . .different." Carlisle was trying to distract him from what he was thinking by talking. "It wasn't that noticeable at first, but. . .when the others joined us--you know, Emmett and Rosalie, Alice and Jasper, Esme and I. But you've been alone for a while now, and I think it may have something to do with who you are."

"Who I am?"

"Yes, well, your _preferences_," Carlisle started to mess around with his fingers, not sure how Edward was going to react.

"What about them?" Edward asked, irritated.

"There's nothing wrong with them, they're just something that I think you should know. . ." That's when the music started, and before Edward could do anything, Carlisle began to sing along. "_If you were gay. . .that'd be okay. I mean 'cause hey, I like you anyway._" Edward rolled his eyes. "_Because you see, if it were meeeee, I would feel free to say that I was gay but,_" Carlisle held up his index finger and waved it at him, "_I'm not gay!_"

Carlisle paused, and all of Edward's companions jumped out behind Carlisle, each of their minds concentrating on the lyrics and choreography. They were all wearing matching outfits too, a black jacket, black pants for the guys and skirts for the girls, and a different colored shirt, along with a nice hat and shoes to match. Edward's torture had been well thought out. They continued to sing, this time with a full dance routine. "_If you were queer, I'd still be here, year after yeeear, because you're dear to me_." They shook their hips to the last part. "_And I know that you would accept me tooo, if I told you today_," Carlisle got the speaking part to himself, "'hey, guess what, I'm gay!'_But I'm not gay. I'm happy, just being with you. So what should it matter to me what you do in bed with guys?"_

"Ew," was all Edward had to say.

"There's nothing wrong with it!" Carlisle yelled back. "_If you were gay, I'd shout '_hooray!" They all threw their hands up in a cheer. "_And here I'd staaaay, but I wouldn't get in-your-way. You can count on meee, to always beeee, beside you every day, to tell you 'it's okay, you were just born that way, and as they say, it's in your DNA!' You're gaaaaaaaaay!_"

"I will kill you all."

"If you were gay!" The music ended, and they all struck a pose for the finale. They stood there, silent, waiting for what Edward would do.

Somewhere in Italy. . .

"I'm bored," Caius said to everyone, lying around and being sexy and pale.

"Me too," Marcus replied.

"I won't stand for this!" Aro said, jumping up. "The Volturi can not reach their levels of fabulousness if there's nothing to do!"

It was then that Gianna walked in. "Excuse me, but you have visitors," she said, bowing her head in respect.

"Fabulous--just what we need! Send them in!" Aro said, smiling happily. Gianna nodded, left, and came back with the visitors. He looked at them, and saw that they were familiar. "Hello Carlisle! This is unexpected!" He didn't seemed all that fazed by the fact that Carlisle was being dragged in by his hair.

Edward interrupted. "Kill the bastard. Now."

Aro looked at Edward, and then back at Carlisle. "It didn't work?"

"It didn't work."

_Well there ya go! Please review, and please don't kill me! I know that Edward's not gay, this idea just came when Carlisle was talking about how Edward wasn't with anyone. Oh, the outfits were taken from Nerima Daikon Brothers, which is an awesome show. Hope you liked it!_


End file.
